


Buzzfeed Presents: 10 Times Eddie Kaspbrak Should Have Proposed

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [5]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Bisexual Eddie Kaspbrak, Comedian Richie Tozier, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, POV Outsider, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier speaks French, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Social Media, Talk Shows, Twitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21624946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: Richie ‘Why Am I Still A’ Tozier ✔@richietozier@ekaspbrak OMG so weird babe, I just poured myself a delicious bowl of spagheds and it looked like this?? So crazy...[attached photo shows the phrase ‘please propose to me babe it’s been thirty years’ spelt out in alphabetti spaghetti. He’s used a blob of tomato sauce for the apostrophe]Buzzfeed makes a list of all the times Richie Tozier, beloved comedian and besotted man, should have been proposed to by Eddie Kaspbrak, the Internet's favourite 43 year old Twitter troll. There are a lot of times.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530359
Comments: 91
Kudos: 2094





	Buzzfeed Presents: 10 Times Eddie Kaspbrak Should Have Proposed

**Buzzfeed Celebrity**

**30th November, 2019**

**10 Times Eddie Kaspbrak Should Have Proposed to Richie Tozier**

The whole Internet is waiting with bated breath. No, not just for the end of the Trump presidency, but for the engagement of the year. You know it. We know it. It's on the cards. It's the ace of spades. We're mixing our metaphors here, but damn us if we aren't so excited that we could scream. In honour of the Internet's best boyfriends, here are 10 times Eddie should have proposed. Let us know if we missed any (we missed so many).

1\. When Richie (and the Losers) got #eddiepropose trending worldwide on Twitter and our hearts all skipped a beat:

> **Richie ‘Why Am I Still A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> @eddiekaspbrak OMG so weird babe, I just poured myself a delicious bowl of spagheds and it looked like this?? So crazy... _[attached photo shows the phrase ‘please propose to me babe it’s been thirty years’ spelt out in alphabetti spaghetti. He’s used a blob of tomato sauce for the apostrophe]_

> **William Denbrough ✔** **_@billdenbrough_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> I can’t believe this! I was just flicking through my TV channels and this showed up? #eddiepropose _[attached photo shows Bill’s TV screen, onto which he’s sellotaped a piece of paper which says ‘if you like the Toze, you must propose’ in very messy handwriting]_

> **Bev Marsh ✔** **_@bevmartian_ **
> 
> _replying to @billdenbrough @richietozier_
> 
> Guys, something totally weird is happening. Ben was just renovating our loft and somehow this just happened... #eddiepropose _[attached photo shows a shirtless Ben standing underneath a gigantic wooden beam, looking quizzically at the camera and shrugging. On the beam is carved, in perfect lettering, the phrase ‘proposier to the Tozier’]_

> **Richie ‘Why Am I Still A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _replying to @bevmartian @billdenbrough_
> 
> NO ONE IS LOOKING AT THE RIGHT PART OF THAT PHOTO, MARSH, AND YOU KNOW IT #eddiepropose

> **Bev Marsh ✔** **_@bevmartian_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @billdenbrough_
> 
> Crazy stuff - was just ogling my beautiful, muscular husband, who proposed to me last year, when this writing spontaneously appeared! What’s happening, guys? I’m scared… #eddiepropose _[attached photo shows the exact same photo as before, except Bev has scribbled the phrase ‘propose to Rich, you little bitch’ across Ben’s abs in Microsoft Paint]_

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_ **
> 
> _replying to @bevmartian @richietozier @billdenbrough_
> 
> I really don’t like to be a sourpuss, but can you all stop this? The energy is really messing up my client’s tax deductibles spreadsheet. #eddiepropose _[attached photo shows a screenshot of Stan’s computer screen, which is an Excel spreadsheet. Every single cell just says ‘R+E=matrimony’ in Comic Sans in a variety of colours]_

> **Mike H** **_@mikemikemikeymike_ **
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting @bevmartian @richietozier @billdenbrough_
> 
> Something super fucked up is going on. Was just reorganising some of my bookshelves and somehow this happened. We gotta fix this, guys. #eddiepropose _[attached photo shows Mike’s bookshelf. All the books have been rearranged so that the first letter of each title, which Mike has helpfully circled, spells out ‘time for ed to wed’]_

> **Brent Tyler** **_@btylertyler_ **
> 
> omg i don’t know what’s happening but i love it #eddiepropose #itsbeenthirtyyears

> **Greta Tozier I Wish** **_@gjones1999_ **
> 
> #eddiepropose goddamnit give that man the happy ending he deserves

> **Harriet** **_@harryate_ **
> 
> #eddiepropose (preferably to me) (but Richie will suffice) (I guess)

> **Richie ‘Why Am I Still A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> #eddiepropose

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> Why is #eddiepropose trending? It’s so weird seeing your own name in a hashtag. I kind of feel sorry for whoever that Eddie is. I hope he does propose, though. That would be sweet. A love story for the ages, or whatever.
> 
> _89.5k retweets_

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Oh.
> 
> _194.8k retweets_

2\. When a fan snapped this photo with the confirmed bachelors AT HER WEDDING, and was (almost) upstaged, and we all had to take our pulses:

_[The photo attached to the article was clearly taken at some kind of national park. It shows a fan, a woman of about 25, standing in between Richie and Eddie, taking a selfie with them. She’s wearing a wedding dress. Richie, to her left, is wearing a red t-shirt and her veil, and beaming at the camera in absolute delight. Eddie is, somewhat begrudgingly, wearing a top hat and a very oversized black suit jacket, presumably both borrowed from someone else in the wedding party. He’s eyeing Richie with a fond but exasperated smile.]_

3\. When Richie forgot his lines and Eddie had to help him out and the whole audience died of cuteness:

_[Richie is in the middle of a standup set. It’s clearly being filmed by an audience member, which is bad protocol, kids.]_

French is _hard_ , man. I mean, not for me, obviously, but for people who didn’t luck out and grow up in a family who spoke the world’s sexiest language. Like, did you know that the word ‘repeat’ in French sounds a whole lot like ‘fart again’ if you just pronounce it a little wrong? Eddie sure didn’t, but I did! And oh boy, he’s not gonna forget it in a hurry. And then there was the time my mom phoned, and...

 _[He pauses, laughs to himself, rubs the back of his neck awkwardly]_ Ah, shit. I just - no, don’t laugh at me, but I just made eye contact with someone and they were wearing a shirt with a hot dog on it - yeah, you, chucklefuck in the fifth row, it’s all your fault! - and now literally all I can think of is frying onions. _[audience laughs]_ ADD’s a bitch. _[He calls out to someone offstage]_ Hey, babe, what did you say?

_[Eddie walks out from the wings and crosses the stage to raucous audience cheers. He waves to them, a little uncertainly, and when he reaches Richie, he leans on Richie’s shoulder and whispers something in his ear. Richie looks at him, bursts into laughter, then puts his arm around him. Eddie looks a little perplexed, but not displeased]_

Oh man, how did I forget that? _[He looks at Eddie]_ Do you mind sticking around for this bit? No-one’s gonna laugh at you, babe, and if they do, I’ll beat every single one of them up. _[Eddie rolls his eyes, but shakes his head. Richie kisses his cheek, and Eddie will deny blushing later, but the video evidence speaks for itself]_ So hey, free French lesson for you all - you might already know this one, but Eddie didn’t, so I’m gonna tell you anyway - but you know how the word for ‘kiss’ in French is _baiser_? Psych! Only if it’s a noun! Because if you use it as a verb, then it means ‘fuck’. And that’s the story of how Eddie accidentally told my mom that we missed her phonecall because I wouldn’t stop fucking him. _[audience laughs]_ I mean, he wasn’t _wrong_ , but… 

_[Eddie bursts out laughing, covering his mouth with his hands and mouthing ‘oh my God’. Richie looks absolutely over the moon. He kisses the top of Eddie’s head, ruffles his hair, and whispers something into his ear. Eddie rolls his eyes again, but takes a bow, and they grin at each other. The clip ends with the audience laughing]_

4\. The time Richie posted this photo to his Instagram and 2019 was saved, but our lives nearly weren’t:

_[The photo attached to the article shows Eddie sitting cross-legged in an armchair. He’s wearing a pair of reading glasses, a huge dark green jumper with the sleeves rolled up, and red pyjama pants, with the legs also rolled up. They’re quite clearly Richie’s clothes. He has a pen in his hand and is frowning down at a book; the cover reads ‘101 Crossword Puzzles For Him’, and Eddie has crossed out the words ‘for him’ in black sharpie.]_

**@richietozier:** 9 across is ‘diaphanous’ do I tell him y/n he’s so cute when he frowns

 **@bevmarsh:** tell him… you know he likes it when you know things ;)

 **@stanuris:** don’t you dare tell him because I don’t need the images that Bev just gave me, thanks

 **@richietozier:** @bevmarsh @stanuris I told him… 

**@bevmarsh:** @richietozier @stanuris was he grateful?

 **@richietozier:** @bevmarsh @stanuris he said he almost had it and then he called me a dickwad :(

 **@bevmarsh:** @richietozier @stanuris :( :( :( :( :( :(

 **@richietozier:** @bevmarsh @stanuris and then he let me touch his butt for like ten minutes, it was awesome 

**@stanuris:** @richietozier @bevmarsh blocked and reported for inappropriate content

 **@richietozier:** @stanuris @bevmarsh hey Stan can you help me out with this crossword, I can’t seem to get the answer to 69 down

 **@eddiekaspbrak:** @richietozier you never can

 **@stanuris:** @eddiekaspbrak @richietozier blocked and reported for ruining my life

 **@richietozier:** @stanuris I had to block and report Eddie for ruining my ass once 

**@eddiekaspbrak:** @richietozier @stanuris you have no ass to ruin

 **@richietozier:** @eddiekaspbrak @stanuris you love my pancake ass though

 **@eddiekaspbrak:** @richietozier @stanuris thanks! The answer to 4 down was actually pancake 

**@richietozier:** @eddiekaspbrak @stanuris what was the clue?

 **@eddiekaspbrak:** @richietozier @stanuris ‘name one thing flatter than Richie Tozier’s ass’, obviously 

**@richietozier:** @eddiekaspbrak @stanuris hmm, did you consider ‘Eddie’s mom’s mattress’? You know, from all the times I fucked her on it?

 **@eddiekaspbrak:** @richietozier @stanuris too many letters :-/

 **@stanuris:** @eddiekaspbrak @richietozier I beg you not to tag me in your foreplay

 **@eddiekaspbrak:** @richietozier @stanuris that’s 10 across sorted! Thanks Stan!

5\. The time a fan posted this photo of them on a plane and we all perished simultaneously:

> **Anna Lucas** **_@annacobana_ **
> 
> Hey @richietozier @ekaspbrak this is super weird and I’m sorry but I was taking a photo of my sister on her first ever transatlantic flight and I kind of got you two in it? 

> **Anna Lucas** **_@annacobana_ **
> 
> _replying to @annacobana_
> 
> I didnt know it was you until I showed my friend and she was like lkgsjlgseriuye lol. And I was going to post it but idk if thats an invasion of privacy! Its cute!! Sorry if thats weird xx
> 
> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _replying to @annacobana_
> 
> You can post it on two conditions. One: we’re both fully clothed (my agent made me put that after the bikini photo fiasco). Two: we look cute and I have minimal food stains on my clothing. Maybe, like, three stains max. 

> **Anna Lucas** **_@annacobana_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Here you go!! x
> 
> [ _The attached photo is focused on a young girl, probably about 12, sat on a plane, giving a slightly nervous thumbs up. Behind her, in the row across the aisle, Richie and Eddie are visible, sat together. The row has three seats, but the window seat is empty. Eddie sits in the middle seat, facing the camera, and Richie is in the aisle seat. Richie is facing away from the camera, his legs slung across Eddie’s lap, so long that they also drape over the armrest and onto the empty window seat, and Eddie is resting his elbows on Richie’s shins, holding a book. He’s not reading the book, but looking up at Richie, and laughing hysterically at something he’s saying. No food stains are visible on Richie’s clothing]_
> 
> 54.3k retweets

> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _quote retweeting @annacobana_
> 
> Proof that @ekaspbrak secretly finds me hilarious!!!

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @annacobana_
> 
> I was laughing at the mayo stain on your shirt, dickhole. 

> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Babe, that wasn’t mayo. ;)

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> It literally was, fucko.

> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Or was it ;) ;) ;) ;)

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> … yes. You had an egg mayo sandwich. It was disgusting. It looked like something had thrown it up in 1995 and left it to fester.

> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Or was it………………

> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> …………………………………………

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Not a fan of wherever the …… is leading.

> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> …………………………………………………………………

> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

> **Richie ‘How Much Longer Must I Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… spaghetti sauce ;)
> 
> 91.9k retweets

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> …………………………………………

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak @richietozier_
> 
> ……………………………………………………………………………………

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak @richietozier_
> 
> …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… probably.
> 
> 101.2k retweets

6\. The time Richie saw Eddie in the audience of the Conan O’Brien show and no-one survived:

_[The clip opens with Richie and Conan in the middle of an anecdote. The audience is still laughing. Richie has obviously recently had a haircut, and he’s wearing a sharper suit than usual, a well cut dark blue jacket. It is, of course, a Beverly Marsh original]_

**Richie** : So yeah, I got hot! I didn’t even mean to. It just happened. 

**Conan** : How? How do you accidentally _[he makes air quotes with his fingers]_ get hot? Just for academic purposes, I’d like to know.

 **Richie** : I, like, honestly can’t tell you. All I know is that one day, looking in the mirror is enough to turn me straight, and the next, I’m like… damn, I almost deserve my hot boyfriend now. _[audience laughs]_ Maybe being near my hot boyfriend so much is rubbing off on me. Often literally. _[audience laughs]_

 **Conan** : Speaking of, how is the hot boyfriend?

 **Richie** : Oh, you know. Hot.

 **Conan** : Here tonight?

 **Richie** : I don’t think so. He had to do a thing. 

**Conan** : A thing that wasn’t you?

 **Richie** : Yeah! Rude, right?

 **Conan** : Well, as a straight man, in that suit, I would prioritise doing you, honestly. _[audience laughs; someone wolf whistles]_

**Richie** : That’s so nice and straight of you, dude! But you know, I’m only really interested in - _[he looks at the audience, and immediately he spots something. His face lights up and he beams widely]_ Babe! You came?

_[There’s an awkward silence]_

**Eddie, from the audience** : … yeah. Hi.

 **Richie** : _[still smiling like he’s just won twelve lotteries at once]_ That’s so cool! But what about that work party thing? You didn’t run out on that, did you?

 **Eddie, from the audience** : … it was, uh, cancelled. Yeah. Cancelled.

_[Conan looks at Richie, then at Eddie, then at Richie again. He mimes waving at Richie as if to get his attention; Richie doesn’t see. The audience laughs]_

**Richie** : Huh. Their loss. You look crazy cute in that suit. I’m kind of mad, actually. I thought I looked pretty good, got a haircut and everything, and now you’ve come in here looking like that. I’m mad that the camera isn’t picking you up, but also, like, glad. I need them to know how hot you are, but not, like, how hot you are compared to me. Which is very.

 **Eddie, from the audience** : Thanks, Rich, but shouldn’t you do the show? 

**Richie** : _[waving nonchalantly]_ Oh, forget the show, babe. Conan’s just hitting on me relentlessly. If I wanted to be hit on by an old Irish woman, I’d go to my mom’s bingo club. _[audience laughs; Conan feigns offence]_ Tell me about your day, Spaghuardo!

 **Conan** : Yeah, Eddie, tell us about your day. Please. Hey, maybe you wanna swap seats with me? Interview each other?

 **Eddie, from the audience** : Oh… no, thank you. I’m good. _[audience laughs]_

 **Richie** : That would be so cool, though. We should have our own show. Why don’t we have our own show?

 **Eddie, from the audience** : Because there’s no swearword censoring budget big enough.

 **Richie:** _[dreamily]_ Damn, that’s true.

 **Conan** : Fellas, we’re really gonna have to take this to the green room later, but before I break it up, I just have one question for Edward. _[Richie leans forward on his elbows, eager to hear Eddie’s answer to whatever it is]_ What do you think of Richie in that suit? _[audience laughs]_

 **Eddie, from the audience** : _[his voice slightly strangled]_ Uh. I mean, I saw it on Instagram earlier. _[A pause of a solid three seconds; the audience starts laughing]_ Yes. That’s what I think. Bev did herself proud. 

**Richie** : I like how they’re just a little short in the leg so that you can see the smallest flash of my pasty white ankles, like I’m a spicy Victorian debutante. _[audience laughs]_ What do you think, babe?

 **Eddie, from the audience** : Let’s talk about this at home. 

**Richie:** Oh God, _let’s_. _[audience laughs]_

 **Conan** : _[shaking his head]_ And on my good, honest, family-friendly show, too.

7\. When someone papped a photo of them making out and Shots Were Fired

> **TMZ** **✔** ** _@tmz_**
> 
> Out and proud comedian @richietozier spotted locking lips with longterm boyfriend @ekaspbrak on holiday in Edinburgh, Scotland! _[attached photo shows Richie and Eddie at the tail end of what must have been a pretty phenomenal smooch. Both are wearing full-on winter clothing, Richie in a long, black coat and red beanie, and Eddie with a dark blue duffle coat, red scarf, and grey bobble hat. Richie’s hands are cupping the back of Eddie’s head, and Eddie’s hands are on Richie’s waist. Richie is laughing into the kiss, but they’ve evidently been smooching to within an inch of their lives]_
> 
> 35.1k retweets

> **Richie ‘Can’t Believe I’m Still A’ Tozier** **✔** ** _@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @tmz_
> 
> Damn, anyone know who that guy is in the photo with me? Never met him before that day but will pay a PRINCELY SUM to anyone who can identify him… he left me this, if that helps _[attached photo shows a Cinderella-esque glass slipper, but there’s a post-it note stuck to the wall in the background which reads ‘fuck you tmz have you ever heard of privacy you fucking sharks’, and a second one, in much neater handwriting, which reads ‘sharks are actually cool, TMZ are just assholes’]_
> 
> 81.3k retweets

8\. When someone literally said Eddie’s name once and Richie did THIS and we all ceased breathing 

_[The attached video clip is a brief recording of Richie at an informal Q &A session after one of his shows. Richie is sat on a stool on stage with a microphone] _

**Audience member** : So in your latest show, you talk a lot about Eddie and how he used to wear a fanny pack, but - 

_[Richie climbs off the chair and lies supine on the floor, back ramrod straight. After a few moments, he lifts the microphone to his mouth]_

**Richie:** I need a minute. _[audience laughs]_ God, that fanny pack… you know what he kept in that fanny pack? My fucking heart. My goddamn heart. My bleeding, beating heart. And also a whole bunch of inhalers. _[audience laughs]_ I fucking love my boyfriend so much, you guys. I haven’t seen him in, like, three days. Don’t make me think about the fanny pack. I will literally die. Do you want that on your conscience?

 **Audience member** : _[laughs]_ Not particularly, no. Should I ask a different question?

 **Richie** : _[waves airily]_ Oh, no, as long as you don’t mind me answering from, like, the floor. Where I’ve fallen. Because I swooned. Fuck.

_[The audience cheers]_

9\. When Richie was signing autographs and Eddie was also there and we started planning our funerals:

_[Richie is at the stage door of one of his tours. He’s signing autographs for a few fans, and Eddie is stood next to him, idly chatting with the fans who have already had their programmes signed. Suddenly, Eddie realises exactly what Richie is signing]_

**Eddie** : Rich, are you - are you signing your name as Richie Kaspbrak?

 **Richie** : _[continuing to sign his autograph]_ Yeah, babe. I’m practising my signature for when I’m 80 and you’ve finally made an honest man of me. What do you think of this one? It’s so hard to get the K to look like a K and not, like, a demonic summoning symbol. I do _not_ envy the Kardashians. How the fuck do you get yours looking so neat? Yours looks like a fucking piece of modern art, and mine looks like someone got a handful of spiders and dipped them in ink and then told them that there was a sale at Macy’s and got them to run all over the page.

 **Eddie:** It’s the wrist motion, dude. 

**Richie:** Strange, that’s what your mom used to say.

 **Eddie:** You’re an idiot. You hold your pen like you’re about to knife someone with it. 

**Richie:** Knife someone with a pen? Not sure knife works as a verb there, babe. Surely I’d have to pen them with a pen. Do you mean stab?

 **Eddie:** It’s literally vernacular, fuckhole. You’re not prescriptivist. You sent me a text this morning that consisted solely of bread emojis and the letter q, so don’t even try it.

 **Richie** : OK, point taken and feelings very, very hurt, but how the fuck do I write Kaspbrak without it looking like I had an aneurysm halfway through?

 **Eddie:** Look. _[He takes the pen out of Richie’s hand, then realises that he’s about to sign something without being asked. He looks at the fan whose programme it is]_ Do you mind?

 **Fan:** No, go ahead! 

**Eddie:** Awesome, thanks. _[To Richie]_ Look here, chucklefuck. _[He signs his own name on the programme; Richie watches intently]_ You just have to sort of do it in one fluid motion. Don’t take your hand off the page. Otherwise it looks like shit. Like yours.

 **Richie:** _[taking another fan’s programme]_ I mean, you spelt ‘Spaghuardo’ wrong. What does _[he pretends to read the name]_ E-d-w-a-r-d mean?

 **Eddie:** It means I fucked your mom, asshole.

 **Richie:** Oh. Is it Italian or something?

 **Eddie:** Fuck you, is what it is.

 **Richie:** Cute. _[he eyes the programme]_ OK, this is it. This is the one where I finally perfect my new, lifelong signature. _[He signs it with the name Richie Kaspbrak; it does Not Look Good]_ Goddamnit. I guess I’ll just have to keep practising. 

**Eddie:** _[rolls his eyes, but when he looks at Richie, it’s fond and amused]_ I guess you will. 

10\. When this happened and survival rates were 0:

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> Callout post for my boyfriend who just spent 4 days nursing me through norovirus, brought me a trashcan to throw up into and only joked once about it being my rightful home, fed me toast and gingersnaps and sat in bed w me and watched Blue Planet… and then got norovirus
> 
> 145k retweets

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> True love is wiping your boyfriend’s puke off the kitchen counter, looking up to see if the bulb needs changing, and then cleaning your boyfriend’s puke off the ceiling
> 
> 97.8k retweets

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> You guys… he made me SOUP because it was the only thing I could stomach… can I feed him his own soup now that he’s ill or do I have to make him his own soup… what is the protocol here…? _[attached photo shows the contents of their refrigerator. The top shelf consists of several tupperware containers of soup, all labelled ‘Rich :-)’]_

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> Update: I repaid the favor. The kitchen will literally never be the same again. It’s fuckin’ seen things, man. _[attached photo is a selfie of Richie giving a tired thumbs up, wearing an apron covered in pureed vegetables. The kitchen counter behind him is laden with dozens of chopping boards, pots, pans, spatulas and other utensils]_

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> “If blue whales had opposable thumbs, we’d all be fucked, Rich.” Norovirus doesn’t make you fucking weird, that’s just Spagheds being Spagheds. _[attached photo shows Eddie sat in bed, looking pale and wearing an old t-shirt with Richie’s tour dates on, watching Blue Planet on a laptop screen propped on his knees, eating a bowl of soup]_

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> What the fuck… what the fuck… what the FUCK… who gave @ekaspbrak permission to be this cute when a. He’s a 43 year old man, and b. He just drank a glass of water and immediately threw it back up into the glass _[attached photo shows Eddie asleep, curled away from the camera, just the back of his head visible. Richie, who’s taking the photo, is in frame, covering his mouth, wide-eyed, feigning shock]_

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> Norovirus 0, the Kaspbrak-Tozier household 1. 12 hours vomit free. Fuck yeah. Take that, norovirus. Eat my entire ass. The whole of my dick. Every single atom of my balls.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> Hey @richietozier marry me
> 
> 319k retweets

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak_
> 
> Lol
> 
> 321k retweets

> **Bev Marsh ✔** **_@bevmartian_ **
> 
> _@richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> _……_

> **Ben Hanscome ✔** **_@benhandsome_ **
> 
> _@bevmartian @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> ………….?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

> **William Denbrough ✔** **_@billdenbrough_ **
> 
> _@bevmartian @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> ………….?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_ **
> 
> _@billdenbrough @bevmartian @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Oh, for the sake of everlasting fuck

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak_
> 
> Wait, really?
> 
> 213k retweets

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _@richietozier_
> 
> I mean, I did have a whole thing planned out, but then you gave me norovirus and we missed our reservation, so…

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak @richietozier_
> 
> And then you spent 6 days cleaning up my puke and making me soup and letting me rant about how fucking freaky humboldt squid are, and I just thought that maybe waiting for another reservation to come through wasn’t really an option. Or I didn't want it to be.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak @richietozier_
> 
> Because I’ve been wanting to propose to you for basically 3 years and I was always waiting for the right time and moment, because I wanted it to be perfect, because you deserve that, but maybe that’s just bullshit and actually it’s all about the fact that you’re the right person. The only person.
> 
> 291.5k retweets

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak @richietozier_
> 
> I love you and I want us to be married and I don’t want to wait any more. #eddiepropose

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak @richietozier_
> 
> So yeah, I could take this back and wait for another chance to do it perfectly, or I could just do it now, via Twitter, the cursed app that you’re totally addicted to. It seemed very ‘on brand’. #eddieisproposing

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak_
> 
> What the fuck! What the fuck! That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever read! How the fuck are you real! I love you so much oh my god is this really happening... I just tried to pinch myself and fell off my chair and I think I broke my tibia in 8 places

> **Richie ‘Cursed To Forever Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak_
> 
> Also don’t come into the office babe Im totally a wreck rn you’ll take it all back and leave me to die alone covered in snot

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _@richietozier_
> 
> I’m obviously going to come into the office.

> **Richie ‘NOT MUCH LONGER TO BE A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak_
> 
> Hell yeah you are Im taking the n out of fi(n)ances its not our boring accounts office any more its the office for fiances

> **Richie ‘NOT MUCH LONGER TO BE A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _@richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> shut up everyone grammar is for people who arent ENGAGED oh my god oh shit oh fuck this is the best day of my life this is literally the fucking dream my fiance is so cute and hot and his proposal was so perfect and were both so naked in our office everything is so great

> **Eddie ‘Do We Have To Be A’ Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _@richietozier_
> 
> Ignoring that last part, which I’m not going to comment on, are you totally wedded to the whole Kaspbrak thing? 

> **Richie ‘Looks Like We’re Both Gonna Be A’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_ **
> 
> _@ekaspbrak_
> 
> Babe, I only want to be wedded to you. 

> **Eddie ‘Can't Wait To Be A Tozier Not A’ Kaspbrak ✔** **_@ekaspbrak_**
> 
> _@richietozier_
> 
> :-)

11\. And as an extra bonus, when Eddie posted this and there were no survivors:

_[A screenshot of Eddie’s Instagram page. The photo is Richie’s hand. On his ring finger, Eddie has wrapped a strand of cooked spaghetti and tied it in a bow. The caption reads ‘He said Yes! #SpaghedwardsGettingWedward’]_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to level with you. I wanted to have the second standup fic out today. It's half written. My grandmother died this morning after a short illness. I couldn't finish it. I wrote this instead; it's more lighthearted, completely ridiculous, and exactly what I would want to read right now. I hope you all like it, and apologies for not getting out what I intended; it'll still be posted, just a little late.


End file.
